Archives for October 2011

This week: $100 

This is important: If your husband is playing poker on a Friday night, and you decide to drive yourself to the ER because he works so hard all the time, and you want him to have a night off; make sure the note you leave for him is legible.

My note to Harv on top of his pillow:

I am headed to the local ER. Hives. Throat closing. Also, my cell phone is about to die.

I guess I smeared it because it ended up looking like this:

I am headed to the local ER. Hives. Throat closing. Also, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~about to die. 

I think it was good for our marriage. He hasn’t said anything, but there’s a suspicious glint in the corner of his left eye which leads me to believe that he was very unhappy about my carelessness. Well, Harv, have it your way. See if there’s ANY note next time.

After 20+ vials of blood, four days in the ICU, another day in the Post Critical Care Unit, another day just to stop in and get IV meds, no one really knows what’s going on.

They do have a theory. And it’s this: I may be allergic to water. Not something in the water or that extra bump of crack I like to add to my pitcher of Kool-Aid during those hot summer days, but just….water. More likely, it actually IS something in the water, but wouldn’t that be cool? A water allergy? No? You’re right. The more I think about it, the more it seems a little “out there.” And I’m all about trying to be normal.

I have sores, bruises, scratches, scars, boils, and discoloration from scalp to sole. Also, there seems to be more hair on my knuckles, but I’m not lumping that in with anything just yet.

I have to keep it cool this week, but let’s get this low-laying, mostly-in-bed, four-different-kinds-of-medication party STARTED.

Friends, I’d love your ideas. I have $100 to spend. Frivolously.

• Perhaps that package of Nancy Kerrigan Trading Cards isn’t such a bad idea?
• My very own Snuggie?
• Separate-toe socks?
• White Chocolate Kit Kats? (Is that shit even forrealz?)
• Should I take up a new hobby? Preferably one that requires no skill or patience?

P.S. This is probably just the dope talking, but I’m a huge non-fan of linking to sites and products in the body of comments. Anything you think might be worth a look? Consider naming it, and I’ll do the “heavy lifting” by Googling it and shit. Thanks, y’all.

UPDATE: I am, or soon will be (within 3-5 business days), the proud new owner of an unopened pack of Nancy Kerrigan “My Diary” Trading Cards. They cost me approximately $1. This is what I call living, people.

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image via bluntcard.com

This week: Try to get the fuck out of here. (Yes, this is a cry for help. RESCUE ME.)

I’ve always, ALWAYS wanted to start a post with:

Greeting from the pristine sands and calm, crystal-blue waters of the Maldives, which is totally unlike that unfortunate two-year-old’s birthday pool party you invited me to last weekend where everyone had to leave the pool for thirty minutes because little Ellen took a shit in the shallow end.

All I have for you today is:

Greeting from the ICU!

I’m not sure if anything I’m saying here is actually making any sense. To my brain, yes. But because thoughts have to cross so many channels to get onto the screen, I’m not that confident. Also, my inability to move more than three inches may have something to do with it. There are no less than 15 things attached to my body. I only know this because I tried to use the restroom earlier and well, I’ve decided it’s probably best to pee on myself from now on.

Friday night, when I was home alone, I started getting severe hives on 30% of my body. They were bothersome, but I didn’t think too much about them. Then, I started to feel my airways swelling and constricting. I decided to drive myself to the ER. Within minutes of getting IV steroids, norepinepherine, and antihistamines, I started to feel better.

Saturday night, I felt my eyes starting to swell shut. Oh fuck, Really? Although it was really itchy beyond anything I’ve ever experienced, I had a make a choice: Finish watching one of my favorite episode of Frasier or go to the bathroom mirror to assess the damage. I chose the former.

By the time I moseyed on over to the mirror, I almost didn’t recognize myself. My entire face was covered in hives, my lips had swelled to more than twice their size, and my right eye was almost completely shut. I had hives over 90% of my front torso as well as my backside. Then it progressed to the legs…all the way down to the bottoms of my feet. Even on my scalp, y’all.

I’ll be forrealz. If it wasn’t for the small fact that I had a hard time walking on my soles covered with hives, I’d probably be giving you a shout-out from my desk today as usual.

After being admitted to the ER, I’m now getting the same course of treatment as last time, but it hasn’t been very effective. The hives are spreading, and some are forming on top of others. They itch like hell and they hurt like hell. Internally, I feel like my air passageways are constantly crowded and closed and several organs are tender to the touch.

So here I am in the ICU. With a bunch of old peeps. I don’t know when I’ll be going home, and this scares me, but I’ve made it my personal goal to get it crunk up in here. Sick people will enjoy Wiz Khalifa as much as I do. I’m sure of it. 

Have you or a friend ever been through a medical mystery? Have you ever been hospitalized?

P.S. I’m super chatty on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page. There are tons of pictures on FB that never make it onto the blog: Gangster Easter eggs, Flying Trapeze Pictures, Family Pictures with Harv and Cal, Reader Gifts…..a whole shitload of coolness. Just “Like” the page, and you’ll never miss an awkward moment or random thought again.
image courtesy of someecards.com and the sharp eyes of Jill Seiman