I try never, ever, ever to start a story with
Well, what happened was…..
or
So, here’s the thing…..
because invariably, anything that comes afterwards will be embarrassing, possibly illegal, or told through the lens of massive intoxication. Also, if I hear anyone else start a tale with those words, I know I’m in for a really good time.
So, here’s the thing….
I got a cell phone in 2002. And,
Well, what happened was….
The first text I ever got was: I don’t think we should talk anymore. To which I replied: But, so, can I still be your girlfriend? I’m still confused about this. Daniel and I had such a good date at Bahama Breeze. Sure, I accidentally farted during dessert, but it’s a natural body function. If you’re going to like me, you have to like ALL OF ME.
After that, I knew there were going to many, many more gems. I’ve been keeping a little spiral notebook of texts since then.
Texts I’ve sent since getting a cell phone in 2002:
- And that’s why you’re single. If you didn’t know this before, let me be the first to tell you that YOU HAVE A BALD SPOT ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.
- I thought that WAS a date?!? You even said you liked my fucking hairband.
- Did you offer me 7 million DOLLARS or DOLL HAIRS to touch my butt?
Texts I have received:
- I’m sorry my mom said you looked North Korean. We don’t have to go to Sizzlers with her again.
- I’m telling you right now, you have beer goggles on. He is ugly as sin. Walk away slowly. Say your dad just died. Cry if you have to. Don’t go home with him.
- Are you sure Sean is Carol’s baby daddy? In case you haven’t noticed, the baby is not black.
- I am on a date. In bathroom. No toilet paper. What should I do?
Fess up, friends. Have you been on the giving or receiving end of texts that should never, ever have been sent?
