I didn’t catch on fire. Sorry to disappoint you.

I’m a little distracted today. I was just notified by a Miss Rita from Cote d’Ivoire that I may be entitled to 10.5 million dollars. Five minutes before that, a Mr. Malik dropped me a casual email informing me that I am the lucky winner of 900,000 euros in the Italian lottery. All I have to do is reply with my name, address, occupation, age, blood type, bank account numbers, mother’s maiden name, and childhood pet’s name.

Are we still cool? Does it change anything between us now that I’m super fucking rich?

If you need to step away for a minute to beat your chest and ask the universe why these amazing things can’t happen to you, I understand. Come back though. I need to talk to you about car safety.

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A while back, my good friend Bertie offered to take me to lunch. What you should know about Bertie is that he is a very suave, very stylin’ dude. When he came to pick me up for lunch, he was wearing a white track suit, white sneakers, and driving a superfine white convertible. Bertie may be the only person on this planet who can pull this look off. It doesn’t matter that he paid me five dollars to write that; just know that I really believe it.On our way home from lunch, we were enjoying the California sun with the top down when we noticed a burning smell. We both agreed that the nearby factories really needed to watch their pollution because it was stinking up the air.

Then, his car started losing power. I suspected he was running low on fuel. Nope, he still had half a tank left. Passing cars slowed down and pointed to our car. Maybe we had a flat tire. Geez, that would really make Bertie mad. I hope it’s not a flat. 

I leaned over the side to see if any of the tires on my side needed air. There were flames shooting from the side intake scoops, but the tires were just fine. I, of course, opened with the good news about his tires before moving on to the bad news.

Bertie, I think your car is on fire. 

We ran from the burning car after maneuvering it to the side of the freeway. Sadly, Bertie’s white track suit sustained noticeable smoke damage.

The cause? A cigarette that had been carelessly flicked out of a moving car got sucked into his side intake grill and sparked an engine fire.

Life lessons I learned that day? Don’t smoke. But more importantly, don’t wear white track suits.

Mishaps on the road? Car troubles? Do share.
image via blueq.com