12.09.10

what’s a good substitute for swearing? drugs.

It’s probably a good idea to sit down; I have some disappointing news. I fucked up really messed up this week. Well, not that much…I’ve only cursed 19 times since Monday morning. I’ve been keeping track. And hey, at least I’m honest about it. I must be a saint. 

The count would have been a lot higher, but I concocted a brilliant substitute for swearing.

Drugs. All kinds of drugs. Crack cocaine, crystal meth, marijuana, heroin, LSD, ecstasy…. really, the list is endless.

I wasn’t going to share my little trick with you, but my big generous heart won out, so here’s the plan:

Every time you feel a swear word reaching the tip of your tongue, immediately substitute a drug. 

I accidentally kicked the toilet yesterday (don’t ask). Instead of my usual, I shouted with passion and vibrato, “CRYSTAL METHAMPHETAMINE!”

It worked like a charm.

Because I care about my health (not really, we had some veggies languishing in the fridge), I juiced this morning. Since my juicer hadn’t seen the light of day for a while, it was a process just to get one small cup of juice.

I had to find all the parts, rinse off all the dust, wash all the veggies, cut the veggies to fit the juicer opening, juice the veggies, then immediately rinse the parts so they wouldn’t “crust,” and then I was ready to enjoy my juice.

Since I’m 30-years-young and I’ve got the coordination of a brand new baby, instead of grabbing the cup, I knocked it over.

“CRACK COCAINE!”

I’ve gone through so many drugs, I’ve resorted to looking up slang for variety.

Angel dust, people. It’s not just something they sell at Victoria’s Secret.

The best unintended side effect is that Cal now associates all drugs with horrible mishaps and she’s less likely to become a druggie. I’m not cursing AND I’m teaching my daughter a valuable lesson. BAM! I’m a genius. 
______
On a drug-related (not really) note, my mom has been suffering from insomnia. She’s tried all sorts of remedies but she’s still having trouble sleeping. I thought about suggesting a little pot, but she might like it a little too much and turn into a druggie granny and then I’d lose my best babysitter, so I’d like a little advice, folks.

Any insomnia cures?
photo via blueq.com

December 9, 2010
08.31.10

Choose your own adventure

Flourish in Progress.

What is that, exactly?

This blog is my project, a present to myself for my 30th birthday.

To celebrate this milestone birthday, I wanted to keep a difficult resolution, meet a challenge and smile through most of it. I asked myself, “How can I do something worthy of my own respect?”

So, {deep breath} I’m doing it. I’m giving up my favorite pastime-needless spending.

I find myself at a store too often these days. A clothing store, a craft store, a jewelry store, a department store, a home furnishings store, a bookstore, a makeup store, a discount store…you get the idea. I might be inclined to label the needless spending as a shopping addiction, but my enjoyment extends further than the actual purchase. I find pleasure in perusal.  I’m happy just to walk around, chuckle at an odd window display, buy a lemonade and go home. Purchase or no purchase, either way, I spend too much time somewhere where I can buy something.

I want to know:
What happens to life outside the mall? What happens when I take away my favorite mindless activity? Since I can’t shop, what can I do? Who could I help? Could I be even happier?

I’m excited to find out.

You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own and you know what you know
And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.

-Dr. Seuss

August 31, 2010