This week: Gather advice for my newly single friends.

I’ve always prided myself on my extremely high dating standards.

#1 Breathing? Check. #2 Almost all Two or three teeth? Check. #3 Lack of Only just a little body odor? Check. Shiz-nits, I think we have a winner.

Those were the rigorous standards Chet had to meet before I agreed to drive myself all the way across town to pick him up in my rickety Dodge Intrepid with two tires dangerously close to calling it quits.

Chet’s mom answered the door. Her door. She apologized for his tardiness, then took both my hands before looking directly into my eyes and whispered that Chet was enduring a “special situation.”

Chet breezed past his mom, giving her a pat on the head, before motioning me outside. He wanted to “get this shit started” because his DVR was nearly full, and he wasn’t sure it was going to record the game.

While waiting for our Bloomin’ Onion, Chet listed the qualities he liked in a girl. Big boobs, big eyes, and quiet. Reflexively, I opened my eyes just a little wider. Clearly, this guy was a winner. I was willing to make a little effort to keep him around.

Before I had a chance to ask about his “special situation,” Chet volunteered the information. He had hemorrhoids. Actually, he was unsure for days until he asked his mom to check right before our date. After a visual inspection, she was able to confirm his suspicions. The date went downhill from there. All I could think about was Chet’s mom peering at his private area.

Chet helped me add #4 to my list of dating standards: Keep your asshole to yourself. I just hated that my high standards hampered yet another chance for a meaningful relationship.

Recently, some of my dear friends have found themselves in the “newly single” division of the dating game. Through chats and emails and texts, we’ve been sharing dating horror stories, past and present. Some lament on their non-existent dating standards. Others are considering lowering their impossibly high ones.

I told them I would reach out to y’all this week to get your advice for the newly single and to share any personal standards you set while you were dating. What’s in your Hell Yes or Hell No categories? Anything in the Hell Maybes?

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