07.09.12

Monday Dare: I’m a loser

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. Click on the link to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Stop wasting so much time

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m good at a LOT of things. “What?” you ask. Well, if you must know, I’m incredibly talented at….fuck it, nothing comes to mind right now. WAIT, hot damn, how could I forget? I’m an EXCELLENT time waster.

I know you. You know me. And as friends, the least I can do is spare you from the bullshit I feed my family. Some may say that my family deserves the kind of respect I give you, but those are the same people who don’t have families of their own. Do these judgey people know what it’s like to sit on a cold laundry room floor sorting and unfurling dirty socks before throwing them in the wash even though you’ve asked your family a katrillion times to please not do the “ball your socks into a tiny wad” shit?

When I close my office door and tell these fools I have to “work,” that’s probably the last thing I’m doing. I managed to evade suspicion until they opened the door without knocking first one day and caught me dancing to some dubstep beats while watching myself in the mirror.

Sometimes, I don’t tend to my adult responsibilities for honest and real reasons. I planned to knock some items off my To Do List last Thursday. Just essentials. I never put anything like “Become a better person” on my list because I shy away from tasks that require a lot of work. Plus, it’s good to be an underdeveloped person because I make everyone around me look amazing by comparison. I didn’t accomplish anything because I ended up getting a surprise root canal. I DID manage to check off “Get gas,” but that was only because my car had been running on fumes for most of the week, and I needed gas for my Journey to Dental Hell. When I came home, traumatized from tooth rape, my family accused me of getting a root canal to avoid my chores.

I didn’t really have anything to say in my defense. Mostly because there was no feeling in half my face and I couldn’t talk. But also because if given the choice, I would happily get another root canal over cleaning the greasy spot in front of the stove, even though I slipped in that mess and almost cracked my skull. I’ve learned that head wounds only look and sound dramatic. There’s really nothing important up there anyway.

I have two trips coming up this week. Yesterday, instead of spending precious time packing or stocking the fridge so the “people I love” don’t starve, I spent an hour googling “How to make the perfect paper airplane.” Then, when I realized my precision creasing skills needed work, I moved on to making motivational posters. Like this one:

I would feel more shame if I wasn’t so satisfied with my handiwork.This is not one of those times where I’ll promise to get my act together and become an adult. Let’s keep it real. Baby steps. How about I just stop being so goddamn lazy? That’s good enough for me.Are you a time waster? What are your go-to time wasting activities?

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first image via pinterest

July 9, 2012
07.03.12

Monday Dare: Let’s do this shit

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Do it up big

I was faced with a difficult decision this morning. I could pony up $13.99 for Internet access to post this Monday Dare in a timely fashion. Or, I could use that money to buy six churros and wait until the afternoon to jack free access from my homegirl’s place of employment. Anyone who’s experienced the crispy-but-also-surprisingly-chewy goodness of a churro would agree that I made the right choice. This is also why I haven’t answered last week’s comments yet. Tomorrow, y’all. My value-seeking ways really fuck up my life sometimes. 
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As a kid, I noticed a trend among the other Korean immigrant families at church. No one Did It Up Big for holidays or birthdays. No ice cream cakes. No snowflake-shaped string of lights. No Candied Sugar Plum candles from Bath & Body Works flickering in the entranceway. Most disturbing was the lack of presents. Some people believe that the real joy of any special occasion is the company of loved ones and an abundance of laughter. You must be kidding. I would take an elaborately wrapped Memory Foam bath mat over my Uncle James’s jokes any goddamn day. How do a few chuckles compare to the pleasure of a mat that provides almost an inch of cushion against a cold bathroom floor while simultaneously wicking the moisture from my feet?

The family across the street Did It Up Big. They had a colorful flag for every special occasion. And not just the Big ‘Uns like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Every April 23rd, you better believe the custom-made “Celebrating ___Years of Love” flag with the delicate fringe around the edge would come out. I admired Mrs. Cameron’s forethought. Instead of ordering a new flag every year, her special creation sported velcro strips, allowing her to swap out just the numbers.

Everyone in the neighborhood looked forward to the Camerons’ Fourth of July barbecue bonanza. The invitation beckoned: “Show your spirit! Don red, white, and blue!” One year, I tried to convince my parents that all anyone really needed to throw these shindigs was a 12-piece patio set from Wal-Mart and a yellow water-resistant boombox. They insisted there was a lot more to it. I voiced my suspicions that perhaps my parents were really just being cheap and lazy. Important Lesson: Lobbing insults is NOT the best way to get what you want. Actually, maybe the Important Lesson here is not to be cheap and lazy.

It’s probably because the Universe has a twisted sense of humor, but I’m now guilty of the same offense: I am lazy about celebrations. I let holidays and other special occasions pass by with little fanfare. And Cal, just like her ma back in the day, thinks it’s bullshit. Well, she’s never actually said those exact words, but I assume that’s what’s going through her mind when she points to the seasonal decorations at the grocery store and gives me a sideways glance.

I got two days. Watch out, Wednesday. We’re going to celebrate the fuck out of the Fourth of July.

Do you make a big to-do about holidays and special occasions? What are you doing for the 4th?

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image via pinterest

July 3, 2012