02.06.12

Monday Dare: Sometimes, I try to act like a ninja.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Just say no.

I don’t know who invented the word “yes,” but I wish I could beat the shit out of him.

Listen, this is really important. Don’t open your front door. Ever. Don’t open your side door or garage door either if you hear a knock or a whistle. Is it okay to peek out the window to see who’s knocking? Maybe. But only if you know you’re not going to get caught.

This is even more important-er. DO NOT look out of your peephole. Why? Because the person standing on the other side will know someone is home. The little speck of light shining through the hole disappears when you stand in front of it. You think you’re being a ninja, but no, my friend, no.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m brave. I’ll open the door if I want.”

Then let me ask you this: Do you have a lot of money just laying around the house? Because you’re going to need it if you decide to open that door.

I share these nuggets of wisdom from experience.

Boy: (yelling) I can see you in there.

Me: (standing perfectly still, not breathing)

Boy: Ma’am, I really need your help.

Me: (sigh, I done got caught again)

Boy: Hello, my name is Jeremy from Pine Junior High School. I’m selling candy bars. How many you would like?

Me: Well, son, I’m on a cleanse right now, so I can’t have any candy.

Boy: Please help me see the splendors of Sacramento. We’re going on a field trip to see the state capitol, and I have a feeling it’s going to change my life. Won’t you help make my dream come true?

Me: YES. Gimme the whole box.

Or maybe you accidentally pick up a phone call from one of your “friends.” I put that in quotes because real friends never ask things like “Will you keep me company at the DMV for eleven or twelve hours?” or “Can you help me wash the bloodstains from my shirt? I had a rough night.” Actually, real friends ask each other for these kinds of favors all the time, but they will never, ever start the conversation with just a general, “Hey, are you free tomorrow?” Real friends will always state the request first, and then ask if you are free, leaving you an easy out in case you want to be a horrible human being who denies friends in their greatest times of need.

It’s tough to say no, but sometimes, you just gotta do it. I’ve had to learn the hard way that my time is precious too. I now consider my time precious and expensive because hey, if I’m not at the DMV for eleven or twelve hours, maybe I could use that time to get a job at Hot Dog on a Stick, and then I would have at least fifty extra dollars I didn’t have before (after taxes, I like to keep shit real) and then BAM, I’m kind of rich. Rich with free hot dog privileges.

Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no?

P.S. My amazingly funny and fucked-up friends, Noa Gavin and Alicia Sherrod, invited me to be a guest on Episode 2 of their new podcast series, The League of Funny Bitches. I may have said things like “Dead people can’t fight back” and “I don’t know how I ended up getting that lap dance.” You can download it for free here.

image via pinterest

February 6, 2012
01.30.12

Monday Dare: Lying saves lives

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Tell the truth.

It seems unnatural to me to tell the truth all the time. I believe in sparing people’s feelings, and lies are an excellent method of achieving that.Sometimes, you find yourself saying things like “I don’t have a phone” or “No, good sir, I’m not on Facebook” because it’s a lot kinder than “No, nu-uh, never ever.”

LYING SAVES LIVES. Actually, I’m not sure how that statement fits here, but it kind of makes sense, doesn’t it? It does. Trust me, it does.

Maybe you have a kid that plays soccer. Maybe another soccer mom is really getting on your nerves because her voice is a tad too loud and she says things to your kid like “play better” or “get in the game, Cal!” Here are some choices:

A. (chuckle softly, like a good-natured person) I bet we could work on our drills a little bit harder at home. I noticed that your daughter, Frittata, is playing so much better these days! Good on her!

And hey, I could totally relate when you rolled your eyes the other day because wee Frittata forgot her inhaler in the car and you were all, “Oh my god, I must really love you if I’m going to walk all the way back down the hill for you.” I mean, totally, I get it. Kids wanting to breath is so outrageous.

B. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to wipe the floor with your face.

Yes, B makes so much more sense because really, who would name their kid Frittata? And more importantly, who has the patience to chuckle softly like a good-natured person? Sometimes, you lie to maintain the peace among a pack of women. Most often, you lie to avoid a jail sentence.

I’m feeling brave. I’m telling the truth all week. I do, however, reserve the right to remain silent.

Do you ever fib to maintain the peace, or are you more of the “whole truth and nothing but the truth” type? What’s the funniest or most outrageous lie you’ve ever told?

P.S. I’ll be at Chevalier’s Books in Los Angeles this Thursday at 7:00 to do a reading of my essay “Liner Notes” from the book The Moment: Wild, Poignant, Life- Changing Stories from 125 Writers and Artists Famous and Obscure. I’d love to see you and fist bump it out.

image via blueq.com
January 30, 2012