Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Refrain from thievery

One of the drawbacks of being able to shop again is that most things I want are so expensive, I just feel like stealing them.

I was at a fine shopping establishment over the weekend. It’s so fancy, I don’t want to make direct mention of it, but it begins with “N” and ends with “eiman Marcus.” I don’t normally go to that joint because I feel like every one of my moves is monitored and the sales people are the kind of classy I don’t even aspire to be anymore, but I had a gift card.

I spotted a pair of sequin shorts that were amazing and…sequined, which is the same thing as amazing so I guess I just repeated myself. But really, these shorts were so fantastic, I nearly lost my mind. Sadly, those bitches cost $345.

And since my gift card was for $50, I was trying to figure out a way to explain a $295 charge to Harv for a pair of shorts.

Then I thought about stealing them. For a full five minutes. Maybe I could make a mad dash for a side door. Maybe I could point at a nearby shopper and yell out “POOR PERSON!” to distract everyone. Instead, I ended up walking around the store, shorts in hand, looking for things to buy for $50. Let’s be real, $50 at said fancy-shmancy store is like having a 38 cent gift card anywhere else.

I spotted some chocolate bars. Awesome. I like my family…mostly…so maybe I should bring home a little treat. Then, I noticed that each bar cost something like $18 so I could really only buy 2, and I’d still have to steal a third if we were all going to be enjoying dessert after dinner.

I also thought about buying some lip balm, but apparently, if you replace the word “balm” with “salve,” you can charge $28 and it’s all good. I’m partial to my cherry Chap-Stick with its skin protectant/sunscreen SPF 4 for less than $2, so that didn’t seem like a good option either.

I walked out with my gift card still fully loaded and no new shorts. Because I believe in karma. And I’d probably get hit by a bus or, even worse, get some major new eye wrinkles.

Also, my bag wasn’t big enough.

Have you ever wanted something insanely expensive? What was it? Did you steal, I mean, buy it?
image via blueq.com

I try never, ever, ever to start a story with

Well, what happened was…..
or
So, here’s the thing…..

because invariably, anything that comes afterwards will be embarrassing, possibly illegal, or told through the lens of massive intoxication. Also, if I hear anyone else start a tale with those words, I know I’m in for a really good time.

So, here’s the thing….

I got a cell phone in 2002. And,

Well, what happened was….

The first text I ever got was: I don’t think we should talk anymore. To which I replied: But, so, can I still be your girlfriend? I’m still confused about this. Daniel and I had such a good date at Bahama Breeze. Sure, I accidentally farted during dessert, but it’s a natural body function. If you’re going to like me, you have to like ALL OF ME. 

After that, I knew there were going to many, many more gems. I’ve been keeping a little spiral notebook of texts since then.

Texts I’ve sent since getting a cell phone in 2002:

• And that’s why you’re single. If you didn’t know this before, let me be the first to tell you that YOU HAVE A BALD SPOT ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.
• I thought that WAS a date?!? You even said you liked my fucking hairband.
• Did you offer me 7 million DOLLARS or DOLL HAIRS to touch my butt?

Texts I have received:

• I’m sorry my mom said you looked North Korean. We don’t have to go to Sizzlers with her again.
• I’m telling you right now, you have beer goggles on. He is ugly as sin. Walk away slowly. Say your dad just died. Cry if you have to. Don’t go home with him.
• Are you sure Sean is Carol’s baby daddy? In case you haven’t noticed, the baby is not black.
• I am on a date. In bathroom. No toilet paper. What should I do?

Fess up, friends. Have you been on the giving or receiving end of texts that should never, ever have been sent?