Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Let go of grudges

I can explain. Just hear me out…

If you ever have to start a conversation this way, there’s a good chance you’re in some deep shit. I know from personal experience because I have to start AT LEAST one conversation a day with this introduction. The people who put up with me on a regular basis go right into Oh Dear God What Has She Done Now mode. Maybe it’s from years of conditioning. Or maybe the people I know are just narrow-minded assholes. If I’m being honest, it’s probably the former, but guess what? I lie to myself a lot, so to me, it’s always option numero dos.

I’m fucking awesome at holding a grudge. If it was a marketable skill, I would be wading knee deep in large bills. Or maybe chest deep since I’m vertically-challenged. It’s probably for the best that holding grudges isn’t a usable workplace skill because then I would become TOO rich and turn into one of those disillusioned katrillionaires who blows all of her money on strip clubs and bundt cake. Side note: Why don’t they sell bundt cake at strip clubs? Degenerates get hungry too, you know.

I have a mental shit list. I pencil people in for a variety of offenses. Some are bigger crimes. Others, not so much. When I run into these people again, I tend to err on the side of acting like an animal rather than conducting myself in the ladylike manner you’ve come to know and love over the course of our friendship.

Back in the day, I had an unfortunate encounter with a man who didn’t think I met the basic requirements for dating his best friend. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t smart enough. And I was too wild for his tastes. He shared his views with anyone who would listen, including me. Luckily, I didn’t date his best friend for long, and I didn’t see him again after that. Until recently.

We crossed paths in a seedy bar. Instead of going about my business like a non-grudge-holding person might do, I made eye contact. And maybe a hand gesture. He returned the favor.

I can explain. Just hear me out…

Apparently, pushing people in the face is not the proper way to deal with angst, but I don’t know who came up with such asinine rules. I did it because, well, fuck that shit, sometimes words aren’t enough to express an emotion.  If I wasn’t so refined, I would have used a fist. Instead, I used my open palm. What we need to focus on here in my restraint.

We were asked to leave. And by “asked to leave,” I mean we were forcibly shown the door.

Once outside, he did something I could never have anticipated. He apologized. I totally believed that he was sorry. So I apologized. And then, because any situation in my life has to get weirder before it gets better, we hugged it out.

I’ve seen him out and about a few times since our Thug Hug. I don’t think we’ll ever be bosom buddies, but this encounter has made me realize that holding a grudge and being angry takes up a lot of goddamn space in my soul.

This week, I will try to remember this:

Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. -my homeboy, Deepak Chopra

Are you a grudge-holder? What makes you hold on? And how do you let go?

P.S. I’m working on a new piece for Huffington Post. If you want to get the first word on the street when it drops, click this link for my Huffington Post profile and then the Facebook “Like” under “Get updates from Elizabeth Jayne Liu.” You’ll get a notification in your news feed when it goes up.
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