01.06.14

Cruel, Crude, Rude

graciousflourishinprogress on Instagram

I use words all the time without knowing their meaning or spelling. Is it really necessary to know that information for EVERY single word that comes out of my mouth? Honestly, it would be very limiting because English is not my first language and also, I didn’t pay attention in school after first grade. I decided around the age of six that learning was too labor intensive. Why couldn’t I just chill at home with my ma?

When I brought up the idea of quitting school, my parents said, “Fuck no.” Then, they went back to watching TV like we were still going to be the same family after that, but something hardened in the middle part of my chest. Years later, that hardness took on a name (Sadness). Was I not worth loving? Why didn’t my parents want me around? What was my mom doing with all that free time while I was at school? Was she going to Montgomery Ward without me? I used my school hours to roll these questions around in my head. I didn’t have time for stupid shit like “learning” and “cooperating.”

Whenever people cast judgment because I can’t spell a word or I don’t know the techniques to solve multivariable calculus problems, I just stay silent and accept the blame. I want to protect my parents even though it’s solely their fault that I know nothing about everything because I spent so much time pondering their lack of love for me.

I’m making an effort to learn more these days even though it’s hard and it takes up most of the time I formerly devoted to Candy Crush. I no longer assume I know something just because it’s familiar to me. If I come across a word I’ve used many times but can’t define immediately, I’ll look it up. Urban Dictionary is my go-to source but occasionally I will use the rest of the internet just to shake things up.

When I saw Elsie de Wolfe’s words on a store wall (pictured above), I realized that I had no idea what Gracious really meant, so I looked it up. Definition: courteous, kind, tactful, compassionate, merciful, showing good manners

I didn’t go to the trouble of looking up antonyms for Gracious, but they were right there, so I took a look. Antonyms: cruel, crude, rude.

Fuck.

I am prone to: bad behavior, talking before thinking, making big decisions based on temporary feelings, being vicious and spiteful, always needing the last word, using brute force to convey my anger, and refusing forgiveness.

I want to become a Gracious Person. I want this so badly that I changed my 2014 Theme Word from _____ (I’m saving it for next year) to Restraint because I realized that if I can’t take care of base level matters like controlling my actions and my temper, I will never be next level.

In 2014, I am taking it back to basics. Instead of focusing on lofty ideals and goals, I’m going to spend the entire year rooting through Basic Rules for Good Living. For starters, I quit smoking. Again. I’ve been smoking on and off for the last 18 years. Mostly on.

I haven’t had a cigarette in 139 hours and 17 minutes. I really, really miss those bitches.

Happy 2014, y’all. This is going to be a magnificent year for you. I just know it. Hopefully, it won’t be half-bad for me either.
_____

P.S. In case you missed the New Year’s Day post…..

Would you please take my Flourish in Progress Reader Survey 2014? I tried to be brief. I want to find out more about you, what you love (or don’t love), and why you read Flourish in Progress.

surveygraphic

P.P.S. I hang out a lot on Facebook. Let’s hang out together.

January 6, 2014
12.03.13

How to Avoid Death and Incarceration

erasepast

Sometimes, I will say things like “I don’t want to brag or anything” and “I don’t like to boast,” but I just started tacking on those additions because my husband asked me to do it. I let him win once in a while. Now that I think about it, he didn’t even give me a compelling reason. All he said was that ladies with a modicum of class and refinement don’t go around baring every small success. I don’t really understand his reason, but let me be proof that you can dislike something without actually knowing what it means.

Each December, I take a few days to mentally flip through the previous 11 months. I place imaginary checks next to the goals I set the year before and accomplished, roll over any unfinished business, and then spend the rest of the time going back to the check marks and giving myself a shitload of high-fives. It sort of looks like clapping, but a lot more boisterous.

There wasn’t a ton of boisterous clapping this year. Things were rough. I battled depression (ok, still battling, but I’m going H.A.M. on it), and I met myself for the first time. I gained a level of self-awareness I didn’t have before, and it felt like I was being introduced to the real me without all of the filters I had set up to guard myself against the truth.

I’m still disappointed by this real me. The kind of disappointment an adopted kid must feel after thinking that her birth mother is an opera singer who never forgets her coupon binder and rescues abused seals but finds out she’s actually a lot lizard with stubby toes who only eats at Carl’s Jr. A menagerie of embarrassment and shame and shock and waving some fists at God…that sort of thing.

Even when there is a shortage of check marks, I’m still a big believer in giving credit where credit is due. In this case, to myself. And since I have no trouble boasting about my successes, I’m just going to share the Top 2 from 2013 along with expert inside advice on how to do the same.

1. Still not dead: Cactus Cooler is my favorite beverage, but I try to drink several glasses of plain water every day. Sometimes, I add a splash of Cactus Cooler to the water because I’m a big fan of the artificial “could be citrus but not that sure” flavor. Dehydration causes death. I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m very passionate about hydration.

I floss the fuck out of my teeth. I also use a Waterpik and an electric toothbrush. Skipping the floss might not kill you, but Gingivitis and cavities will eventually cause tooth loss. If you don’t have insurance or a lot of money to replace your teeth, you will not be able to eat properly, and then you will starve to death.

Just say no to drugs. I spent 8 years of my life high. I still can’t look at a bottle of Gatorade without thinking about crack. Drugs will kill you. Even worse, drug use will cause wrinkles and the sparkle from your eyes will disappear.

2. Still not in prison: On my saddest days, I feel like I’m in a prison because my thoughts and emotions trap me in a bad and ugly place, but I would never, ever, ever express that to a real prisoner because s/he would beat the shit out of me for being ridiculous. I get it. Real prison is worse than my tears of despair. But an even more bitter place to be is crying tears of despair in prison because there are no 3-ply tissues “on the inside,” and my face won’t stand for that cheap single-ply shit. This is just one of the reasons I can’t be convicted of any crime.

I no longer keep company with negative, dangerous, scheming, untruthful, deranged, whiny, dramatic people. Ain’t gonna lie, this swiftly removed a sizable chunk of my friend list which made me lonely and regretful of my decision in the beginning. My life was consumed by drama for so long that it’s still my default setting, and I gravitate toward volatile people. Two unstable people cannot construct a stable friendship. JUST TRUST ME. The other person’s volatility would set off my own. I narrowly avoided hitting someone this summer. Physical violence=jail time. Most likely. But don’t risk it.

I finally got honest with myself about having a rage issue. And I’m getting help for it. I have no idea what my life will look like without all this anger. And I’m worried that it’s going to take a very long time. I’ll know I’m fixed when my first reaction to conflict isn’t to hit and destroy. Dear God, how many coffee mugs from HomeGoods will have to sacrifice their lives before I’m good?

This is a lot of information and maybe you won’t remember all of it. That’s ok. Just floss your teeth and keep your hands to yourself. You are very fucking welcome.

P.S. I also give extremely wise and useful tips on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page and showcase my exemplary life on Instagram (username: flourishinprogress). Well, I plan to in the future. Right now, it’s just a lot of (t)hug life shit. Like and follow anyway. You probably won’t regret it.

Subscribe to blog posts via Bloglovin or Feedly. I just started using feed readers recently to keep track of my own internet reading. Shit’s amazing. I used to write down the URLs of my favorite sites in a notebook. Sometimes with a colored pencil.

image via blueq.com

December 3, 2013