11.19.10

…like your family is any better

Cal loves to hang out with my brother, Marshall. Yesterday, he picked her up from school and they spent a few glorious hours browsing the local bookstore.

She made a beeline for her closet as soon as she came home.

Me: What are you looking for?

Cal: Uncle Marshall says I need a go bag.

Me: A gold bag?

Cal: A Go bag. With food and water and a flashlight and stuff.

Me: In case of an earthquake?

Cal: No, for the zombie attack.

(…the fuck?!)

Me: I don’t think you need to worry about that, sweetie.

Cal: Uncle Marshall showed me how to lie still with my eyes open so the zombies think I’m dead.

Me: …….

Cal: He asked me if you have good aim.

Well, I guess that opens up a spot at our Thanksgiving table. Anybody want to take Uncle Marshall’s place?
____
Update: I discussed the incident with Harv. The only thing he had to say-

“Who do you think has it harder? Me or your brother?
Probably me. At least your brother gets to go home.”

It’s pretty clear Harv worships me.
____
Anything you heard as a kid you want to share?

photo via blueq.com

November 19, 2010
11.18.10

trophy wife

Recently, I passed by an airport gift shop window displaying a tower of “World’s Greatest Wife” trophies. I’m pretty sure I deserve one.

At least once a week, I make an effort to acknowledge Harv by grunting in his direction when he walks into the room. Last year, while bedridden with the flu, he asked for a glass of water and I reluctantly got it for him. Even with these splashy displays of effort, I can’t help but feel there’s still more that I could do to be a better wife.

Crazy, right? Maybe I should mention that when I got Harv that glass of water, I only spilled a little on his neck. How did he get so lucky? Maybe I’m just a giver and he’s just a taker.

In the spirit of Phobia and Fear Week, I’m sharing my Real Love Checklist to allay any love connection fears. If you are currently in a relationship that does not look like this, you might want to consider a divorce, or at the very least, some intense counseling.

1. Real couples do not fight. Ever. Fighting is a sign of weakness and it probably means that the relationship is riddled with infidelity.

2. Real couples call each other at LEAST 10 times a day. Especially when one or the other is on a business trip that involves several cities and intricate flight schedules. If your partner does not excuse her/himself during an important strategy session to call you, s/he does not love you. Plain and simple.

3. Real couples only use words like “precious” and “delightful” to describe parenthood. Only bad parents in fake couplings complain about colic or teenage angst.

4. Gifts. Material gifts are very important. Expensive = better. If your significant other gives you a basketful of home-baked goodies or a thoughtful love letter, re-evaluate the relationship. It may be time to move on.

5. A man in love will bring flowers home every single day. Twice on Saturdays. Don’t be fooled by a potted plant and a note attached with sentiments of watching “love bloom together.”

6. A woman in love serves a home-cooked meal every night. Appetizer, entree AND dessert.

7. With cloth napkins. And a smile.

8. Real couples see eye-to-eye on everything. A difference in opinion is the first step toward an ugly downward spiral. She like it at a toasty 76 degrees, and he wants a chilly 67? Inevitable demise.

9. A woman in love will go to bed with her makeup on so that her partner never sees her au naturale. Naked pores? Come on, let’s have some manners.

10.  A real couple shares just one email account. And one bank account. And one mobile phone. Which neither party needs since they do everything together. Who needs a hobby when you have each other?

I should probably look into getting my own relationship talk show on AM radio.

Did I miss anything on this list?

photo via Blueq.com

November 18, 2010